I was recently asked to share our adoption story for our MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) newsletter. It was wonderful to reflect on God's perfection and gift of Elle.I had a plan...graduate from college, marry, work for four years, and then have a baby, followed by a few more babies. I thought it was a simple and marvelous plan and my future husband concurred. I remember a conversation Eric and I had prior to marriage, and the relief we felt in discovering we both had no interest in ever pursuing adoption. Looking back, it saddens me that our hearts were so hardened. It was a decision based on fear; fear of the unknown, adoption horror stories, not being in control, genetics, financial strain, and a bunch of other things that don’t seem so important any more.
So we forged ahead with our plans and in our fifth year of marriage we purposed to get busy and make a baby; one who would have our fair skin, blue eyes, curly-blonde hair and dimples. We were fairly proud of ourselves, how we’d successfully orchestrated natural family planning up until then, and were just sure that plans would continue to unfold according to our schedule. I was confident in His promise, “…He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
The pain of the next five years of infertility – with all the doctor appointments, months and months of disappointment, hope shattered over and over again, watching my friends have their first, second, and third child, going to and planning a billion baby showers for others, seeing the negative sign pop up on countless sticks, spending a ton of money on herbs and drugs, sitting though year after year of Mother’s Day sermons, watching my sister of five years younger have a child, losing intimacy with my husband, arguing about what to do next, crying, and feeling angry at God – has fortunately faded away with the joy of what God did when we finally let Him direct our steps.
In our fourth year of infertility, my heart began to soften and I asked God to give us both a desire for adoption. I was very guarded and careful not to let my emotions or heart get wrapped up in it because Eric wasn’t in the same place I was. I knew it wouldn’t be God’s best and there wouldn’t be joy if we weren’t together in this.
In the fifth year of infertility, we had to make a decision about how far we were willing to go medically and I kept asking Eric to pray about and open his heart to adoption. It was during this time that we grieved for the child we always assumed we would conceive – it was a death of a dream. The hardest thing for me wasn’t that I might never be pregnant but that I might not be able to bear a child that would be a part of both Eric and me. We realized that God could perform a miracle and allow us to conceive biologically. However, I felt we needed to be open to the possibility of another plan and was beginning to feel that surely “…all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
It was the beginning of our 10th year of marriage. We had gone as far as we could medically. Eric’s heart was softening towards adoption and God placed some friends in our lives at that time who modeled the beauty of adoption. Although Eric was in daily prayer about it, he was still feeling reluctant to research adoption. On February 14, 2005, I wrote in my journal, “God, if my womb is to be closed, then speak up loudly and clearly and let us know what’s next. What do You have in store for us?!”
The next day, I agreed to attend an international adoption informational meeting with a friend who had a great longing to adopt internationally. I was awed by her passion, calling, wide open and soft heart. I asked Eric to come along and he agreed, but he wanted to make sure I understood that we were just going for information, just to listen…
As we just listened to an overview of the various international adoption programs, my heart began to stir. I saw a new vision! It’s hard to describe, but it was like a new day, filled with incredible hope. We had our life all planned out, “but only GOD makes us able to live it”! Proverbs 16:9 (The Message)
After the meeting, inside the car on the way home, I tried to be low-key about what I felt was a miracle that had taken place in my heart. I wanted to share my new vision, but didn’t want to scare Eric away from any progress that might have been made in his heart. Then Eric turned to me and said, “I think we’re going to China!” It was February 15, 2005, one year to the day that our daughter was to be born in China.
We found ourselves joined together in purpose and conviction, and by the end of the week, Eric had found a Christian agency that we felt had a great heart-ministry approach to adoption. We began tackling the mountain of paperwork in March of 2005 and were logged into China’s Center of Adoption Affairs four months later. During our long ‘paper-pregnancy,’ we began to understand that adoption wasn’t plan B, but God’s equally ordained way of building families. “…you received God’s Spirit when He adopted you as His own children. Now we call Him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15
Why international adoption? Why China? Why not something or somewhere else? There are answers based on freedoms within His will, but bottom line – God led us there. We finally let Him lead, and He directed our steps.
During the next year, I wore a ‘born in my heart’ necklace. Not a moment passed that I did not feel our daughter, both a part of Eric and a part of me, growing inside me. I had the same anxious heart familiar to all mothers, ‘Will she be healthy? Will she have all her toes and fingers? Will I know how to care for her? Will she love me?’ I also daydreamed about her face – I pictured her beautiful olive skin, almond brown eyes and black hair, and she began to feel like the obvious product of us! This new dream felt like it had always been our destiny; like I had finally been let in on the awesome plan! We longed to see her face and we prayed God’s protection over her with great confidence, for in His infinite foreknowledge, “He watched Elle as she was being formed in utter seclusion, as she was woven together in the dark of the womb. He saw her before she was born. Every day of her life was recorded in His book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” Psalm 139:15-16
In August 2006, seventeen months later, our agency called to tell us that we were the proud parents of Long Li Qing, who was just 6 months old, 10 pounds, and waiting for us on the other side of the world in Jiangxi, China. The next day we received our first picture of her. We knew her immediately -- she was our daughter! We named her Elle (Hebrew: pledged to God).
Two months later, we were riding an elevator to the top floor of a civil affairs office in Nanchang, China, and then entered a room with other families who had been waiting and aching to hold their babies too. We had been praying that Elle would have a vision of us, and I’m certain He answered our prayers, because when they placed her in our arms and her eyes locked in on ours, there was peace. On October 30, 2006, we received His very best for us – the miracle of adoption and forever family!
He always wanted to give me the desires of my heart; He kept His promise to work all things together for good, and He patiently waited for our hearts to change in order to direct our steps and make them sure.
We are currently 1 year, 2 months, and 3 days paper pregnant and expecting from China while concurrently pursuing an adoption in Taiwan. I find great joy in His beautiful and perfect plan of adoption – “He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.” Psalm 113:9
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